Welcome to my blog about....well ...ME! Hope I don't bore you all to tears! I intend this blog to be about my journey to setting the beautiful skinny person inside this fat shell of a body free. So lets sit back and enjoy the ride! yeeeehhhaaaa

Sunday, January 30, 2011


Well, I'm up to task 3......GOAL SETTING!  Taking a while.  Goals not so hard, but the how to get there proving a wee bit harder.  Will update this later!

So in the meantime welcome to my ramblings.  Just a few things I just have to get down!

damn me loving it here!  We didn't have snakes in New Zealand.  I have yet to come across one, but Bobbles has twice now.  First one just outside the kitchen window, second one about 100 metres away outside the old dairy shed.  He almost stood on it and had to do a "leapy star jump over it"  (his words)!  So, do I pack my bags for when I come across one??????  Watch this space...I think it will be a biblical moment when I come across my first one as yes, it will be a parting of the sea.....the Tasman one that is!

funny enough, not bothering me.  Saw a MONSTER huntsman the other morning.  As it was 6am and my eyes were a little bleary at that time in the morning I just walked out of the bathroom and thought ...meh if I ignore It'll go away.  HEY...funny that....same thoughts I have about housework!   However, went to movies and came back and the sitter said Flosco wouldn't go to bed cause she saw a huntsman!  eeekkk now that stinking thinking is well and truly biting me on the beehind again!

Went to movies to see Burlesque and all I'll say is, yes Cher looks like a man, but that body and voice....WOW.  Christina, where do those vocal cords come from with such a little body and CAM, you my dear friend, could well have me going back to see that again, and again, and again....

oh yes, have downloaded soundtrack onto IPhone already.  Was "Burlesqueing" the other day in the shower, multi tasking, I'm very talented!!!!   However, caught a glimpse of myself in mirror.  Apparently whilst my head told my I looked like Christina, my image said NO!  Oh well, I was having fun anyway!  So come on, show me how you burlesque!

how wonderful are they!  Went to movies with one the other night.  It was our "food free" night.  She has often commented that she hates going to social events where food is everywhere and so I suggested a movie night.  Was fantastic!  So guys and gals, if you truly want to be supportive of friends in this dreaded battle of the bulge, then how about food free outings.  Walk in the park, movie night.......it can be done!!!!

its still good to get together for BBQ and drinks!  Had fantastic time last night and many laughs.  Was my night to fall of the wagon and get back on it.  So I gave it a damn good try.  Felt slightly giddy early on in evening, but then got to stage where I'd had enough and just sat back and enjoyed the company.  Think I was probably more sober than my sober driver....oh dear.  Not that he was drunk, or even slightly!

So it appears I have grown up!  Eeeeekkkkkkk......when did that happen!

Friday, January 28, 2011


OMG OMG OMG OMG I did it!!!  I ran!  Not far, but I ran anyway!  1.45 kms!  13.45 (I think??)  So so proud of me right now!  Never ran for more than 5 mins before without stopping...okay never ran for 5 mins even!

Started with a slight incline and I was huffing and puffing and huffing along.  Then Miss Sunshine my training partner says to me "Just keep going.  Slow down, get your breath back but don't stop.  Keep those legs ticking over"  About that stage the fabulous Miss Sunshine runs off....she is a machine!  BUT I kept those legs ticking I got my breathing sorted and I kept those legs ticking over.  I chanted JUST FN DO IT, JFDI  (I so love love LOVE that saying) and I did it. 

I made a promise with my body.  If it got me to the end of the road, then we'll walk back.  Well....I skipped back!  Was on cloud 9!  Would've even ran back...however have a problem.  I get to a certain point then I need to ..well go...umm...toilet!  And its very very hard to run and clench at same time.  Hmmm is this just another excuse.  Probably!  But I do get the urge.....badly!  So need to find a solution for that little hurdle.  Hmm maybe a porta loo at the end of the road???????

I'm on my way, aha aha, from misery to happiness toodeeeeyyy aha aha

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Well, its task 2 of the pre-season of 12WBT .....no more excuses.  Took me 3 hours, 25 pages of handwriting and a HUGE lightbulb moment......HOWEVER

I FOUND ME!  I've glimpsed her.  She is in there.  If anyone has read Stephanie Myer's THE HOST I feel like Melanie....screaming to be let out again and making my presence felt.

So, its time for me to be gut wrenchingly honest with myself.  To acknowledge my excuses and say HASTA LA VISTA EXCUSES and HOLA!!! to a bright fantastic new goddess....ME!  (thanks Anita Revel for your wonderful book The Goddess Diet too!)

So here goes.  This is me.  My inner most thoughts.  WARNING language will be brutal!  SECOND ALERT.....this could BORE you all to tears!  Remember I RAMBLE!!!!!

MY INTERNAL EXCUSES ....and solutions

I'm not motivated enough...... JFDI!  Like getting up, having a shower, brushing teeth....just do it! 
When times get hard, remind yourself how horrible and gross it is to be a slob.  You won't go out with no make up on, or brushing your teeth!  So, start each and every day with cleaning the soul too through exercise!

Nothing like this has worked before......but we are approaching this differently.  We aren't jumping into a diet and saying 'oh this is the wrong type of diet for me' and quitting.  We are getting the mindset right first.  We are focusing on being HEALTHY through our food choices, not having to do a specific diet!

It's just another thing to waste money on.....RRREEAALLLLYYY!!!! {eye rolling happening here}.  YOU wasted close to $50 TODAY on going out for lunch and dinner with kids.  If you were organised the day would've only cost you $12 at the pool BBQ!  Now, thats wasting money!

I can't run.  It hurts!!!    HELLO!  You ran the other day.  Yes, only a small distance but its a start!  You have two working legs!  Use them.  Rejoice in the fact that they do work and JFDI!!

Who can really be bothered cooking two dinners?  Why cook two dinners?  Cook 1.  Bobbles won't have a stir fry?  Then cook potato's and whatever meat you add to your stir fry for him.  Will take no extra time and you'll burn about 10 calories peeling that potato!

Bobbles and the kids won't like the meals?  Why not?  They like salads!  They eat vege's!  If they don't like something organise an alternative MENTAL NOTE.....that big O word is coming up alot!

I'M JUST TOO LAZY....You have to get out of bed each day!  So get out early and exercise, which your doing now anyway, and ENJOYING!  You have to eat each day and cook each day.  It's really NO extra work.

I'm too fat for half the exercises.....Well, stick to this and you won't be.  The exercises will get easier as you go along. (and every time I hear my belly fat slap together it will motivate me to stop being so fat!)

It's too expensive to buy heaps of extra food....No!  It will probably work out cheaper!  It's more expensive to die of a cardiac arrest cause of the fatty sugary shit you eat.  It's more expensive to be dependant on insulin through being diabetic.  It's more expensive to watch your kids pile on weight through learning bad food habits and then having to pay for them to join WW's etc.

Everything in moderation, including moderation....BULLSHIT {shit, that voice is getting angry with me now)  Chips, chocolate slice, ice cream, sausages in bread isn't moderation.  IT'S FAT! FAT!!! FAT!!! FAT!!! and killing me!  notice how I am now having a tanty with MYSELF!

I'll still be hungry when I've finished the meals....fill up on water.  Eat some fruit.  Even better, do something for 20 mins and see if you really are hungry of just used to eating more

It won't work.  Many others pull out of this.  Bet I do too......BUT plenty have succeeded and geeting great results.  How good would it feel to be one of them.

I'll put the weight back on.....Why?  This isn't just a 12 week exercise, its a lifestyle TRANSFORMATION!

Who wants to be pre-occupied with food, food, food.....are you not already?  Who wants to be this miserable and pre-occupied with bloatedness, rolling belly slapping together when you exercise, flabby arms, clothes that don't fit....

But I never know what I should eat......DUH!!!!  It's why you signed onto this!

Don't I do enough exercise.....Do you truly push yourself?  NO.  Do you see results?  NO  So the answer is NO!

But I'm exercising and its not doing a thing....HELLO....see above!  Why can't you do an extra 1/2 hour at night?  NO REASON.  JFDI

I didn't have painful joints before I started exercising....okay SSMF....be honest here!  Chest pains?  Unable to climb stairs?  Sitting on floor in tears thinking your having a heart attack but it was just indigestion?  REMEMBER......you were in pain!

I'm just toooo lazy.....UGH {more eye rolling} we have covered this.  It doesn't take much extra time, if any!

I don't like doing anything hard....If you don't push yourself you'll never accomplish anything!  Two years ago you didn't exercise and couldn't even walk the block!  Now, you can walk 4 kms and feel like doing another 4!  You can do 1 min of squatting and holding that squat against the wall (oh those dreaded "chairs"), You can do 19 sit ups in a min, You can hover for a min, 40 secs of that on your toes!

I just can't do this.....why.....time - nup - you've got the time....money - got the money......got the place and the equipment....and look an answer to all these excuses!

I'll fail again....STOP letting that woman's voice in your head!  If you fail...then you have failed at life!  All this is living.  You eat EVERY day.  You move EVERY day.  Your succeeding at that already so continue this only move more and eat better.  DUH....easy!

I'm a quitter!....So what, your solution is to just stay in bed all day and not eat at all!  NO YOU WON'T.  WHEN YOU GET UP...YOU MOVE.  GO OUTSIDE AND WALK.  IF ITS RAINING DO STAR JUMPS, SQUATS....WHEN YOU EAT, EAT HEALTHY WHOLESOME FOODS.

As soon as I want chocolate I won't bother with the food diary and then eventually leading to failure....lets face facts.  You love chocolate.  Chocolate is gonna want to find its way in your mouth on some days.  Acknowledge it.  Write it down.  Then do the following:-  1 min star jumps, 1 min push ups, 1 min plank hold, 1 min crunches, 1 min knees up!
Yep, 5 mins of acknowledgement.  Just try it!  See what happens.  If your still eating too much crap then look for a different technique to overcome this!  YOU CAN DO THIS.  Think size 12!

I exercise, then end up having nanna naps during the day so whats the point?....  at least you got up and exercised.  Better than just lying in bed till some stupid time of the day!

Just like everything else in my life I sit back and wait for fairies to magically appear.  I can't do this on my own....okay SSMF......you are now 35.  It's time you know....Santa claus doesn't truly exist {BREAK NEEDED HERE, sorry need tissues, this news is devastating!}  For Fuck's Sake Paula!  The Fairies aren't coming.  Grow the fuck up!  JFDI!

I'm not organised enough...You exercise now and its easy to organise and find the time.  Clothes are laid out the night before so you can walk straight out the door.  All you need to do when you get home is check what you need to get through the day.  Prepare your lunch when making school lunches.  Get dinner sorted then too...what are you going to have?  BINGO,  Done.  No real extra time or work involved.

Shouldn't I be resting my muscles?.....yes.  This is why you change what you do.  ie walk one day, next day is weights, next balance...

Why should I believe in myself when no-one else believes in me......Prove them wrong!  You can do this.  Moving and eating is as natural as breathing air.  You want clean air in your lungs, you want clean movements for clean pain free joints and clean eating for clean insides!

What is 12 weeks out of a lifetime!  SWEET F ALL!


COST???    Can I afford this.  Already addressed this!  YES, YOU CAN!  Anyway you'll be spending less on alcohol and junk food.

Bobbles and the kidlets won't eat the same meals though...Also addressed.  It's not much extra time to peel a potato and make a sandwhich at lunchtime!

Its too far and costly to drive to town all the time....So, Don't!  For F..... Sake, you live on a farm!!!  All that land,.....explore it!

Time factor....already proved.  Time can be found


What if I have to drop everything and head back to NZ?   Why?  If its a holiday,,,,,go for walks.  Sick family.....get up early and go for a walk.  It will revitalise you anyway!  Death....well we have just experienced that.  If you get up early and walk it'll help clear the head

My kids are sick..exercise indoors.  Its Wii Active day or star jumps, squats etc

I'm sick or injured....take the time to recover.  However, to prevent this happening then get fitter and healthier NOW

Bobbles is sick or injured....The fitter you are, the better you'll cope!!


On top of that I realised last night I was using certain issues I have and grief also hold me back.  My issues ....well I'm dealing with them and had lightbulb moments last night that I'm certain will really help. 

Grief.....oh how I miss my darling darling Nana!  However, the last time I saw her, a week before she died, she asked if I had lost weight.  It had been 9 months since she'd seen me and she was the only one who noticed!  She looked so proud and excited for me!  So I know she will be excited and proud of me too when that fabulous new person has sprung back....well when I'M BACK!  Love you Nana and miss you so much xxxxxx

So there you go.  My excuses....every single one I could think off.  I'm sure I'll find more along the way but the solutions just haven't been that hard to find yet either.  WHERE THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A WAY.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Hmmm, okay confession time.  Those who know me will know only too well, how bloody disorganised I truly am!  Like really, really, really disorganised.

So, how do I go about organising myself?????

Have signed up the Michelle Bridge's 12wbt.  I'm not going to jump gun ho into exercise and food diaries just yet.  I want to spend the next few weeks really getting into the mindset of this, as that what has let me down in the past.

So I'm pondering now......organisation seems to be the key and plan, plan, plan.  Can I keep this up?  Is it possible for the Queen of Disorganisation to turn herself around?????

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Always the dreamer
Oh, how do we begin to shed this outer shell to let the new (okay in my case I feel like its more like the old) out!

"Janie"  Are my LBD days over?

I guess my journey to the new (ok old....jeepers confusing already....I'm gonna name the inner me to save confusion, lets call her Janie!) out.  I guess it began two years ago.  However, first I feel I need to explain "Janie".

"Janie" is a childhood name.  My parents christened me Paula and always called me Janie.  Go figure!  Much prefer Janie as Paula often indicated trouble.  Everyone nowdays knows me as Paula though.  When I think back to how did I let myself and my body get out of control I kinda feel that I have buried Janie in a pile of fat!  Oh Janie LOVED to party and have a good time.  She didn't look half bad either.  Paula seems so....well grown up!  eeekk  Guess it had to happen.  Paula also is fat!  Obese!  She still loves a party, has a sense of humour....which does seem to be buried for the time being but lets see if we can let that out again!  Lets face it, its takes a lot of effort to have a body like this!  It didn't happen overnight and releasing "Janie" isn't going to happen overnight as well.

Okay, so now we have established I have a split personality (hmm maybe I'd better call that Psychologist of mine and make an appointment to address this??? LOL) lets get back to the beggining of setting the skinnier me free!

Two years ago my husband decided to "surprise" me for my birthday. 

Yippee, yahoo, a surprise, so exciting thinks I!  Then those dreaded words I'll never forget "you'd better toughen up or your not going to enjoy your birthday present" he jokes one night!  WHAT.....TOUGHEN UP.  Oh, relax Paula, he is surely joking.

Oh no.....it appears not!  Then a few days later more dreaded words "I've booked a babysitter.  Don't forget to wear your sneakers"  WHAT, SNEAKERS!  OMG I haven't worn sneakers in years.   Crap, don't even know if I own any!  Oh silly girl, he's joking.  You don't wear sneakers to a restaurant.  Yes, delusionsal me still thought that he was kidding and we were going to a restaurant.

The big day arrives.  Its now 2 days after my birthday and the outing is here.  What to wear.  Well I want to look good so hair and make-up = check!  Hmmm he's said wear comfortable clothing.  Thats okay, nice t-shirt and pants just in case we are actually going out for lunch....funny boy.  Sneakers....hmmm only have $20 Wharehouse jobs but that'll be fine.  Silly boy knows I don't need sneakers for getting from couch to clothesline (letterbox is a motorbike job!)

Then we arrive.  A fit, sprightly, good looking, no fat, muscley woman BOUNCES out of her garage.  "Hello" she says.  "Do you know why your here" 

"No" I laugh.  Still clueless.  Looking around.  I see a garage and a fit attractive active woman who I think I'll dislike just for looking so good!  "Lets go for a warm up jog"   WHAT, A WARM UP JOG.  GW, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ME INTO!!!!!

I jog across the road.  Stop.  Got the stitch.  Chins hurt.  Ankle hurts.  Crap she wants me to go around the block!!!! I've only crossed the road and I hurt!  So she agrees we can walk.  DOUBLE CRAP....this mad woman wants to talk.  I can't pant and hide the fact I'm unfit AND TALK!

Then......she wants me to .......BOX!!!!!  She tells me how to stand.  I hold back tears as my ankles hurt.  Not tears of pain, yep tears of embarrasment!  However, I survive the half hour and ENJOY IT!  And find myself saying "yes, I'll come back on Thursday"

That will be two years on February 23rd!  And yes, I still go twice a week and still love it.  I can jog a small distance, I can do push ups (aim to get on my toes this year) I can even do the dreaded planks...on my toes!  I can finally give her a decent punch and I enjoy it.

The biggest block for me was the mental block.  I remember the 4 week mark and just wanting to give up but she helped me push through.  That was my toughest time by far. 

Now, I have to work on my nutrition and motivation.  All the exercise in the world isn't going to help if I still eat like a pig!!  I also need a new challenge so here I am. 

It was also mentioned to me recently....in an honest and caring way....that I do tend to quit when things get hard.  So, I am determined NOT to quit, to challenge myself to see the end of this challenge!

I have lost 12 kilos (was 15....3 crept on over Xmas and yes I did behave so am extremely grumpy about that) over the last 2 years.  Last year I lost nothing.  I refer that to my year of fitness.  I am a heap fitter, just didn't lose the weight. 

This year is the year of finding "Janie" and setting and old skinnier me free!

At my 21st.  One day I'll look this good again!

Uggh  The "Fat" Paula